Friday, May 11, 2012

Write On Edge: Advancing the Plot Challenge


This week's Red Writing Hood challenge gives us 500 words to focus on plot development. We were also given this opening line: “Two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane.” The line is the opening line for a Harry Potter book. JK Rowling is a masterful storyteller and her life story and writing career are truly inspiring and encouraging.

This week's Story Dam challenge was inspired by this week's full moon.

Dam Burst Prompt:
Fiction or Non-Fiction, show us what is waiting for the full moon. Extra points for mixing mystery with romance.
Wet Feet Prompt:
What does the full moon mean to you and when was the first time you ever noticed a full moon?  Write about a time that something important happened in your life and you noticed the moon.


I return to Jack Sutter and Arizona Baker, who we last met here.

I give you the following in response: Stakeout

Two men appeared in the moonlit alley. Clad in black, they crept around dumpsters to their dark purpose. Jack observed them for a time from his Charger, amused, before returning his attention to the entrance of the bar.  Unless the two were fugitives or judges, they weren’t his problem.

The door cracked open and the blonde bartender exited at a hastened pace. She argued with someone on the other end of her cell phone, her free hand flailing about as if for emphasis. A wistful smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. She was cute when she was frustrated and unaware she was being watched. 

She approached a blue Saturn and fumbled with the contents of her purse, still arguing. Jack reached for his soda as the Honda motorcycle he was waiting for pulled into the parking lot.  He took a quick swig and set the cup back in the holder before opening his door.

The rider exchanged words with the blonde as he entered the bar. Jack crossed the narrow street with a trot and whistled to catch the bartender’s attention. “Hey Arizona!”

She froze as he approached. “Oh, Marshal Sutter right?”

“Jack, please. Was that Coop?”

She nodded, holding a finger up to silence him momentarily, and she spoke hastily into her cell, “Regina, I said ‘no’.  God’s teeth! It’s midnight. Go to bed.” She hung up. “You didn’t lie right? Coop’s not in any trouble?”

“I just have some questions, honest. Can I ask you why you’re concerned?” Jack asked, noting a worried edge in her tone.

“It’s just, you being a marshal and all, and then those others asking after him…something doesn’t feel right.”

He frowned, “What others? When?”

Her eyes drifted up, “Just after you left last time, these two guys came in and said something about Coop owing someone named…uh, Turnip? Turnpike? They didn’t give off the friendly vibe.”

Jack set his jaw. If someone unsavory was after his fugitive, Coop could be in hot water. “Can you describe them?”

“Fair skinned, nice suits but not expensive. They smelled like dirty money, but they stand out in that bar. You couldn’t miss them if they were in there.”

“Thanks,” he hesitated, not ready to turn away. “You know, you never did give me your number.”

She smirked and dug through her purse again. “You’re persistent, I’ll give you that.”

“It’s part of my charm. Be careful driving home. That full moon up there makes people do crazy things.”

“If I can ever find my keys, that’s good advice.” She stamped her foot.  “Damnit!”

He wanted to chuckle, but thought better of it. Instead, he fished a business card from his jacket pocket and handed it to her. “Well, tell you what, if you see those men again, you give me a call eh?”

Arizona took the card hesitantly, looking past him. “That’s them there,” she whispered. “Next to the light pole.”

28 comments:

  1. Ooooh, nice! You've got some great descriptions of movement, 'arguing with someone on the other end of her cell phone, free hand flailing', 'holding up a finger to silence him', 'fishing for a business card'. You really create the scene well. Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm thrilled the scene worked and was as vivid as it was in my mind. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  2. Kudos on weaving multiple prompts into one response! I also think you did a nice job of contiuing the story at a good pace without sacrificing detail to do so.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yea kudos! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! I certainly appreciate it!

      Delete
  3. I thought you did a nice job here with body language. Fumbling through her purse, never being able to find her keys. It's those realistic details we can all appreciate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey thanks! I'm in a constant state of not finding my keys. It's one of the reasons I no longer carry a big purse. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  4. I enjoyed this; it moves the character along via dialogue and you can feel the heat & the hesitancy.

    Like Lindy, I like the body language.

    Occasionally, there were moments where you could trim your words. For example, instead of "exited at a hastened pace" you could use a stronger verb, like "rushed," "slinked," or "scurried." Perhaps not the best examples, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh that's a great critique. The line didn't sound that bad at midnight last night. Now that you mention it though, you're absolutely right. It doesn't sit well with the rest of the piece. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your feedback!

      Delete
  5. Good imagery and scene creation. Hope there is more to come, you could build on this one. http://jemcogdell.blogspot.com/2012/05/red-writing-hooda-walk-in-park.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scary thing is these are minor characters for a subplot in a work in progress of mine, but I'm liking the rapport between them. I may abandon the goal for the other piece and just follow these two. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  6. Have you ever thought about writing screenplays? Your scenes are written so visually, and I can see and hear the action unfolding perfectly clearly.

    You have a lot going on without losing threads, and that's hard to do.

    One thing I might change is the uncertainty about the name: Turnip? Turnpike?

    It seems a little contrived and doesn't really align with the rest of her seemingly perceptive nature. A name like that, together with the strange circumstances, would probably stick in her mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny you should mention screenplays. When I was active in the theater, screenplays were all I wrote.

      There was a little more about Turnpike before the chopping block edit I did, so it makes sense that it doesn't fit here anymore. I'm still working on my ability to self-edit.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  7. I'm put in mind of Justified, which aside from starring Timothy Olyphant (yum!), is one of the better written crime dramas I've come across. Also a Marshall-based one. And based on an Elmore Leonard short story...

    Anyway, I think Angela and Nancy have already answered any of the little details, so I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Justified? I'll have to check it out. I love Timothy Olyphant (double yum!). I'm glad I can write something that conjures him to mind.

      I'm glad you enjoyed your stay! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  8. I agree with the others. great body language...cell phone, keys buried in purse, talking with her hands, nicely done. I left wanting to read more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm thrilled the scene worked out. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  9. I really enjoyed it too! And way to go on combining multiple prompts! I think I'll give that a try too.
    Erica www.readwriterepeat.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  10. I really liked how you moved the action from point A to point B so seamlessly. I felt like I was watching a movie while I was reading!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Oh wow thanks! I'm thrilled you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  11. I was a bit bummed it ended, was really curious about all that's going on. Great job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well we may yet see more of Jack and Arizona. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  12. Sounds like something interesting is coming next. I liked all the discriptions too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm thrilled you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  13. Well there's nothing more I can add that hasn't already been said. I will strongly second Angela's screenplay idea and Cameron's comparison to Justified is a perfect. Enjoyed this immensely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you stopped by and I'm thrilled you enjoyed your stay! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  14. Lovely, lovely! Great read, for sure. I especially enjoyed the character of Arizona: there were just enough character flaws to endear her to me right away. I will be back for more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! They've been so fun to write that I'm thinking about giving them the spotlight. (They originated as minor characters in my YA work in progress.) And thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! You are always, always welcome to hang out here anytime.

      Delete