Friday, April 13, 2012

Write On Edge: Pay What You Owe Challenge

This week's Red Writing Hood Challenge gives us 500 words to tell the story of a debt owed and due. Polonius counseled his hot-headed son Laertes about life; instructing him to "neither a borrower, nor a lender, be". Wise words during a time when the inability to repay debt would land one in debtor's prison.

There is, however, more than one type of debt.

The Pied Piper was hired by the town of Hamelin to rid its world of rats. Once he piped them away, the town refused to pay. He then proceeded to pipe the children away.

Sooner or later, the piper needs to be paid.


I offer the following in response: Salvation



The devil bared his teeth and snarled. White foam lacquered his mouth and formed stalactites on his jaw. There was little trace of the animal he once was underneath his mangy fur.

Dangling perilously from a tree-branch, Lottie was a ten-foot drop from certain death. She felt her grip slipping and screamed, splinters digging into her hands. What made me think hiking alone was a good idea? She replayed the fight with Eric. It was supposed to be a romantic weekend getaway, but he decided to get stoned. “Help!” she pleaded, tears threatening to form.

A loud crack ricocheted through the woods and the foaming devil fell in a very final, short-lived yelp. Startled, she looked at the silent beast for signs of life. It didn't move. She giggled, an awkward reaction, as she dropped to the ground. A sharp stabbing pain shot through her knees, but she shook it off and searched through the trees for her benefactor. Soon, a man adorned in hunter orange camouflage stepped into view, a small-bore rifle carried cautiously in his hands. “Don’t touch it,” he warned as he approached.

She rubbed life into her arms, feeling light-headed. “I wouldn’t, I mean, is that…an actual rabid dog?”

“Was.” He placed his rifle down and pulled a trash-bag from his pack. “Did it bite you?”

“No, I climbed the tree when I saw it.” His features were grizzled and a cloud of stench enveloped him made of earth, sweat, and sulfur. “I should thank you,” she said, trying not to focus on his smell.

“Yes, you should.”

That was rude, she thought, unsure how to respond. “Thanks, I guess,” she said finally. She watched as he meticulously disposed of the diseased corpse. He worked with the precision of an experienced hunter; quickly, efficiently. Coupled with his unexplained attitude, his methodic movements disturbed her. She began to wonder if the dog had been the least of her problems.

“You need something?” the man grumbled, casting a look from the edge of his unshaven face as he rose, bag in one hand, rifle in the other.

“Uh…no?”

“You oughta head back to your…camp…don’t you think?”

She withered under his scowl, her toes twitching as she felt the impulse to run. “I don’t suppose you’d point me towards Stipple Creek Campsite?” she asked timidly, chiding herself for leaving her GPS tracker behind.

After a moment, his bag-hand motioned west. “After you, Charlotte.”

“How-“

“Your father’s got Forestry looking for you and your stoner boyfriend’s a suspect in your disappearance.” His smirk was unsettling. “And now that everyone’s ruined my hunt, your father owes me double for rescuing your ass. Time to pay the piper.”

Buzzards circled ominously overhead. Her heart sinking, Lottie trudged westerly, hunter in tow. Facing her father after a lie was one thing, indebting him to a stranger for her life was another. The devil's death would not keep her from the swift hand of her father's justice.


16 comments:

  1. Oh well done! I love how we wonder if she's in danger from the hunter, but discover it's much deeper than that.

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    1. Thanks! I had a ton of fun with this one, starting with the poor dog.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  2. Interesting. I can see multiple debts being owed and collected upon here. I do wonder how long she was gone before her father started the search for her, or was it because he knew about the rabid dog in the area?

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    1. Therein lies the question right? And poor Eric's too stoned to understand what's going on.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  3. Great little flash fiction. I loved the build up of tension and the immediate need to switch our perceptions once the hunter started acting like an ass.

    My only critique was this line: She felt her grip slipping and screamed, a splinter worked its way into the palm of her hand.

    It reads very choppy. I think you might have a comma splice there ;)

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    1. Hey thanks for the feedback! I agree with you there. I'll examine it and see if I can't get something to work better with it.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  4. I like how muscular and fast and action filled this was. Dude, this was the kind of stuff I love to read.

    The beginning is just great. I could read so much more of this.

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    1. Thanks! I'm thrilled beyond measure. As always, thanks for dropping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  5. So many things to be nervous about! She got out of one fix and jumped right into another. I feel a bit sorry for her!

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    1. Hehehe, I don't. She shouldn't have lied to her father. :) I'm glad this worked. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  6. I like how you shift the worry from one danger to another here. First the dog, then the hunter, and finally the father.

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    1. Thanks! I tried to get some layers of stress here so I'm glad it worked. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  7. That hunter is one shifty character. I like the way you kept turning it on its head, increasing the tension. Excellent work there.

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    1. Thanks! Lottie is a very lucky girl, or unlucky I suppose. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  8. There are so many wonderful aspects to this piece, but my favorite part?

    "It was supposed to be a romantic weekend getaway, but he decided to get stoned."

    Wasn't expecting that response and I actually laughed out loud. Good way to end my weekend!

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    1. I'm glad I made you laugh. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your feedback!

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