Thursday, June 21, 2012

Write On Edge: Short & Active Challenge

Red Writing Hood gave us 100 words this week. The goal is to take one, two, or all of the partial phrases below, and then flip them from passive to active.

  1. [he/she/I] was devastated by [...]
  2. [feeling] was experienced by [...]
  3. [person/thing] was possessed by [...]

Structurally, grammatically, there is nothing wrong with passive tense. It has a time and a place, but in today's short-attention-span reading population, passive voice will not keep readers up until the small hours of the morning, white-knuckled, drenched in sweat, and turning the pages to see what happens next. When one wants the plot to move forward, one needs an active voice to do it.

So, in light of moving on, I'll quit the diatribe and commit to the exercise. From the above, I madlibbed the following:

Passive: She was devastated by the loss of her innocence. Disbelief was experienced by her soul. She was possessed by him.

This bubbled in a cocoon and, I believe, emerged successfully transformed into short and active. 




I offer the following in response: The Last Courtship of Actias Luna

 
He possessed her. She experienced her world through tainted eyes, refusing to see the ruins of her crumbling soul. “When I tire of you, I will consume you,” he prophesied, laying all blame at her feet while he danced. Her innocence obliterated, she surrendered, moth to the flame.


Posted by at
Labels: , , ,

34 comments:

  1. SueJune 22, 2012 at 4:41 AM

    Powerful. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CameronJune 22, 2012 at 5:30 AM

    Sure the passive version was grammatically correct, but the active version was stronger, more passionate. And dangerous obsession and surrender are nothing if not passionate! Thanks for playing, Shel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:27 PM

      Thanks Cam! I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  3. StaceyJune 22, 2012 at 6:59 AM

    The active version packs such a powerful punch. I like that you gave a passive voice example first. Very nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:29 PM

      Thanks! I wanted to show the progression of the concept, not just the end result. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  4. Sandra TylerJune 22, 2012 at 7:20 AM

    Chilling!

    ReplyDelete
  5. BarbaraJune 22, 2012 at 7:42 AM

    Very nice: powerful action and lingering prose. I liked it!

    And I agree with Cam. The passive voice is grammatically correct and has its place, but prose is so much more lively when use active voices and action words! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:33 PM

      Thanks, for both stopping by and for sharing your thoughts! I appreciate it!

      Delete
  6. TessaJune 22, 2012 at 7:53 AM

    Short and sweet. Nice!

    ReplyDelete
  7. GinaJune 22, 2012 at 7:56 AM

    She surrendered. You could feel it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:35 PM

      Thanks! I'm thrilled this worked. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  8. AnonymousJune 22, 2012 at 9:03 AM

    I love how this prompt seems to have brought out the darkness in many folks. I loved how in 100 words she went from possessed to surrender. Quick, brutal journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:43 PM

      Thanks! I'm thrilled this worked. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  9. dontpanic2011June 22, 2012 at 9:05 AM

    I love how you approached this prompt. Your second version all but forced you to feel and experience the scene with the characters. Excellent!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:46 PM

      Thanks! I wanted something visceral and complete, so I'm thrilled this worked. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  10. TMWHickmanJune 22, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    As usual, I loved it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 2:47 PM

      Ah thanks for the love! As always, I'm happy to sopped by!

      Delete
  11. Kathleen BasiJune 22, 2012 at 4:53 PM

    Ooh, very nice! I like how you approached it, writing in passive and then fleshing out to active. I tried to skip that, and found it very tough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 22, 2012 at 5:40 PM

      Thanks! I figured I wanted to showcase more of the actual challenge than the result. I'm thrilled to know that it worked. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  12. AnonymousJune 23, 2012 at 5:24 AM

    My favourite one yet!

    ReplyDelete
  13. CathyJune 23, 2012 at 7:04 AM

    For a small piece it sure makes my imagination go into a big overdrive!

    ReplyDelete
  14. VictoriaKPJune 23, 2012 at 7:44 AM

    Hot. I love how you jump right in with that active sentence. It's short and very powerful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 23, 2012 at 10:19 AM

      Thanks for the love! I'm glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts!

      Delete
  15. Patricia JLJune 23, 2012 at 11:19 AM

    Awesome job. Loved how you jumped right in with the active voice.

    ReplyDelete
  16. angelaJune 23, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    Is it wrong that I like reading your diatribes as much as your prompts, albeit in a different way? :)

    I like your response. "laying all the blame at her feet while he danced" is intoxicating.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelton Keys DunningJune 24, 2012 at 2:23 AM

      Oh I'm so glad you like reading what I write, whether it's the diatribe, the drivel, or the prompt responses. You are always, always welcome here.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  17. Whispering ThoughtsJune 24, 2012 at 10:25 AM

    This is a beautifully written piece.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)