Monday, February 11, 2013

Flatwater Sundown (WoE #7: Scent/Elixir Challenge)

Write at the Merge this week asks to merge a scent with an elixir.

The word "elixir" conjures to mind tales of the traveling medicine shows sensationalized in westerns. Snake Oil, genuine Indian remedies, and the like promised to cure every ailment and contained toxic ingredients like opium, cocaine, and ethyl alcohol. Shills were planted in the crowds ready to give "unbiased" testimony and display "miraculous" feats of strength and speed in order to help the salesman generate more sales.

I'd like to return to a character I haven't seen in awhile. We last saw Patience after she learned the Lassiers kidnapped her sister. She just hired Jeb Grayson against her better judgment to help get Charity back.

I offer the following in response: Flatwater at Sundown





They arrived at Flatwater Bend just before sundown. With the dark of night looming in the unfamiliar town, Patience questioned her sanity. What did she know about chasing outlaws and brigands? She hesitated before dismounting her wagon at the livery, investigating the impatient grimace on her companion’s face. What did she know of Mr. Jebediah Grayson?

“C’mon, Girl,” he bellowed, gripping her elbow roughly. “Flatwater ain’t much by way of accommodations, and Miss Louisa’s Boardin’ House won’t be open after dusk.”

She yanked her arm back from his grasp. “I can walk, Mr. Grayson. You will remember I am spoken for, and you will not take such liberties with my person again.”

“Liberties? Oh that’s rich.” His snorting laugh was condescending. “Does Nate Pritchard know he spoke for you?”

Anger burned her cheeks as she prayed for an inspired retort. She felt unarmed against the cad since she stole his horse. “That is none of your business, Mr. Grayson.”
 
“Thought as much.”

She matched his stride, fighting the urge to scratch the smugness from his face. Flatwater Bend wasn’t a large town; most of its businesses straddled a small stretch of dirt that served as a road. Patience missed the cobblestones of her native Boston, its elegant architecture and early morning fog heavy with the clean scent of seawater. The fog in this frontier was less heavenly, and reeked of manure and musk.

Outside Miss Louisa’s Room and Board, a crowd of about twenty people gathered around a flash-dressed wagon advertising Dr. Addison’s Genuine Elixir in gilt letters. “You there, gentle lady, come here and listen. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed!” an older man gestured at her from his makeshift stage. “This is the bona fide article. It’ll cure all your complaints.”

Patience scowled. Her father always said if anything was too good to be true, then generally it was. “Swills and shills,” she heard her companion mutter. “I can get better whiskey from the cathouse.”

“Cretin! Have you no morals, Sir?” she reprimanded.

“Oh git down off your high horse already, Girl. I’m here to help you git your sister back, ain’t I?” He steered her towards the worn front door of the boarding house.

“I suppose that five hundred dollars you want has nothing to do with it.” Patience rapped twice at the door and smoothed the front panel of her skirt.

“God’s teeth, Girl, it’s a boardin' house, not a social call.” He opened the door without invitation and pushed her inside.

She wheeled to strike him but he ducked.

A woman of many curves addressed them in the warmth of the lobby. “Seeking one bed, or two?”

“Just the one, Ma’am.” He added before Patience could protest, “For the girl. I’ll be taking up my room at the saloon.”

“She’ll be in fine hands, Mr. Grayson, don’t you fret.”

“Thank you kindly Miss Louisa.”

His shadow disappeared from the doorway as he abandoned her to the boarding house. Patience was alone.

26 comments:

  1. Excellent imagery and dialect. I can't wait to read more!

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    1. Thanks! I think I've been watching too many John Wayne movies lately. :)

      I'm happy you enjoyed your visit. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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    2. That's the thing -- I'm not big into Westerns, but this really drew me in. Well done!

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    3. Ah then I am doubly pleased, for it's not a genre that I'm overly fond of myself and I wrote it well enough that I hooked you. Your comment speaks to my growth as a writer and storyteller and I can't tell you how happy I am to receive this kind of "atta girl".

      Cheers!

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  2. I love when you "show" rather than "tell" - loved this line,

    "Patience missed the cobblestones of her native Boston, its elegant architecture and early morning fog heavy with the clean scent of seawater."

    Perhaps you could keep that going with the next by rewording it just a tad, "The fog in this frontier reeked of manure and musk."

    I think by taking out a couple of inactive words, the sentence becomes more direct. You have a great way with painting word pictures and capturing a feeling. I really enjoyed this piece.

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    1. Thanks! You bring up an excellent point. When I revisit, I'll take a more thorough look at it.

      I'm thrilled you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  3. This is a fun story -- you do such a great job creating the period atmosphere, all the details are perfect. Loved the bit about the guy who doesn't know he's spoken for her; the give and take between the two of them is fun.

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    1. Thanks! I'm happy you caught that. Patience is as love-struck as teenage girls get and Nate Pritchard is as oblivious as teenage boys are. Patience however, does realize that she just signed up to go on a rather dangerous excursion with a stranger who has a violent past. She's just naive enough to think she can stay off an attack on her virtue with a few strongly spoken words. Never mind the fact that Jeb Grayson isn't interested in a green city-girl. :)

      I'm glad you had a fun time here. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  4. Good atmosphere created here, She seems destined to adventure.

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    1. Thanks! Yup, a city-born girl facing the perils of the wild, wild west. There's a ton of opportunity for character growth here.

      I hope you enjoyed your visit. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  5. Patience reminds me of an older Mattie Ross. I'm hoping Mr. Grayson is younger than the Marshall. That could make for an interesting tale.

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    1. Thanks! True Grit! I didn't think of it that way, but I believe you're right. An older Mattie Ross...but hopefully Patience is not as pretentious. And Mr. Grayson is younger than Rooster Cogburn, could've even been Rooster's grandson in another life...Jeb is a broken soul, too young to be that jaded, but the stuff he's seen and done has turned him into the perfect anti-hero, I think. When I get the chance, I'll introduce more of his backstory.

      I hope you enjoyed your visit. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  6. Really vivid characters. The guy makes me want to hit him. :) I thought it was interesting how Patience evoked the smell of seawater as clean...as a farm girl well-acquainted with the stink of manure, I have to say I don't find the stink of the shore any better. :) But all of that is just reader reaction--if that's all I have for you (i.e. no concrit), you did a great job on this!

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    1. Thanks! Jeb Grayson has that effect on everyone I think. Funny you should mention the stink. Y'all might think I'm gross but the smell of manure never bothered me, especially in a stable/pasture type of setting. Not that I thought it smelled clean, just that it's always had an earthly richness to it. I enjoy mucking out stables (or at least I used to when I was young, I haven't done it in awhile). But the ocean? Ew! And I grew up with Southern California beaches. Rotten fish and seaweed. I'm the polar opposite of Patience's sensibilities. She didn't want to move to the frontier with her family so I think she just believes in the perfection of Boston. So I imagine she's romanticized the scent of seawater.

      Hmm, just had a thought. It might be fun to drag her back to Boston at the end of her adventure, and change her to the point where she becomes disillusioned with her paradise. Ooh, thanks for the brainstorm Kathleen!

      I'm happy you had a great time here. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  7. Her anger seemed a bit excessive to me, but the poor dear must be at her wit's end with her sister kidnapped. I am not a fan of the shrinking violets, and it would be great if she did actually punch him at least once!

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    1. Thanks! I'll let her slug him later. He'll really deserve it when it happens. I guarantee it. (inserting evil laugh here)

      I hope you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  8. Oooo. I liked this and was especially glad that it was a boarding house and not a cathouse that he tricked her into, which is how I read it at first!

    In terms of concrit I have the say that the Cretin line jarred me, maybe only because this is a piece of a bigger whole, but I too felt that response to his cathouse line was a little hot for the moment.

    Great job as always Shelton!

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    1. Thanks! Funny the word that I struggled most to find is the one that gave you pause. Patience, being the product of a good bringing in the 19th century, wouldn't call Jeb an ass. But, she's also not used to men of loose moral character and being a rash teen, she would've called him something. She truly believes in her superiority. The word Cretin first appeared in the 18th century, and was used as a derogatory term so often in the 19th and 20th centuries that medical professionals avoided using it. Patience, of course, is using the term to label his "stunted" morality.

      Of course, y'all can't read my mind and I haven't written the chapters that would establish her complex yet. Sorry about that. :) I promise I will revisit this and then maybe the moment won't feel as "heated".

      I'm happy you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  9. Great job as always. This reminds me of those TV shows my mom used to love to watch.
    love the line a "woman of many curves"

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    1. Thanks! I thought that line had a definite image attached to it. I'm glad you loved it like I did.

      I hope you enjoyed your visit. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  10. You definitely nailed your characters with the chosen mannerisms and dialect. I could picture precious Patience and her rough and tumble, tobacco spitting savior ;) Okay, perhaps I am assuming he chews. He should, if he doesn't.

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    1. Thanks! I like it! Rough and tumble tobacco spittin' savior!. Everyone chewed then. It was a quick remedy for bee-stings and other insect bites. Jeb just might have to chew too!

      I hope you enjoyed your visit. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  11. Your period details are wonderful. I can just see her smoothing her skirts in affected indignation. I have a feeling she might end up making some moral capitulations before this adventure is through!
    ~Angela

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I have plans to throw her a few situations that will try her delicate soul. It'll be good for her in the long run. What's the saying, that which doesn't kill?

      I hope you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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  12. "A woman of many curves"

    Somehow speaks to more than just her person, as Patience would say.

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    1. Thanks! I thought it spoke in layers, I'm so glad you picked up on that!

      I hope you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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