Tuesday, January 21, 2014

City Traffic (WoE 3)

Write at the Merge gives us 500 words for our limit and the following picture and quote.

"Sometimes legends make reality and become more useful than the facts."
-Salman Rushdie

image by Tom Quackenbush courtesy Unsplash

I don't know where in the dusty recesses of my mind that this scene was hiding, or even where it's planning on going. It feels like more should be done with it, but with the 500 word limit, it'll have to stay put as a work-in-progress.

I offer the following in response: City Traffic

The wind tossed a stray newspaper page like a lazy football, carrying it a small distance and disposing of it with an incomplete pass. Waste clogged gutters and alleyways in drifts inches thick. The nearby park, enclosed in a prison of cold chain-link and razor wire, did little to inspire comfort and the tired playground equipment stood silent and broken. Architectural details of the multi-story buildings hinted at a time when everything was new and pristine but any denizens who would have remembered that time disappeared decades ago.

Crime didn’t hide in the shadows on unsavory corners anymore. Dealers and junkies completed business transactions in broad daylight near the overworked hookers plying their trade like fishmongers. Flash cars were common on G Street, driven by those seeking a fix away from their ivory towers or by the successful crime bosses evaluating job performances of those in their employ. The established circus of anti-social behaviors and criminal intentions performed daily if less intense in the cold, winter months.

Sara strolled up the sidewalk at dusk with slow, measured steps. The stench of urine and vomit assailed her nose as she passed dumpster riddled alleys. She loathed this part of the city. There was a taint to the air that lingered in her hair and clothing she could never be rid of. She intended to cross Leffingwell when she was accosted by a prostitute, angry at the encroachment into her territory.

“Hey, Matrix! Get your own corner!” screamed a brassy blonde in a sequined tube top from across the street.

“Relax, I’m not here to turn a trick,” Sara called back.

“Ah shit, you the fuzz? You down the wrong street yo.”

Sara debated approaching the blonde, but the prostitute was her best option for information.  This is going to be expensive, she thought, pulling a wad of cash from her pocket. “I’m not a cop...tonight.”

“You fuzz at any time, you fuzz through and through. You keep walkin’.”

“Look, I’m willing to buy your time. Easy money. All you got to do is point me in the right direction.” Sara smelled a mix of fear and temptation. The greenbacks in her hand reflected in the blonde’s eyes like a flame.

Her voice dropped low and serious. “You wastin’ you Benjamins ‘cuz I don’t know nuttin’ an’ I ain’t about to wake up in no pine box.”

“I can play this game. For each ‘nothing’ you tell me about, you’ll get another hundred, starting after an automatic two-hundred just for showing up.”

Cat-like claws snatched up the money and stuffed it without ceremony into the crevice of her tube top. “I know what you after, yo. There’s lots that goes down on Leffingwell, but I spect you here about a missin’ little girl. Ain’t none of us okay wit dat, yo.”

Sara flipped out another hundred, “Understood. See? Easy money.”


The prostitute smiled, wide and toothy. “Sure, so long as my boss don’t show up. Let's play, yo.”



Some of the WoE crowd mentioned during the assessment that they aren't always sure when it's okay to leave criticism. I'll try to remember to be a better citizen and put a note at the end of my responses to the prompt, but if I don't, comments and constructive critiques are ALWAYS welcome here. Okay? Okay. so, let me have it. Give me what you've got. I can take it. 

16 comments:

  1. Nice! My only concrit might be that the talking money is too high. I feel like, in an area like that, you could start with something lower than two hundred and then add twenties instead of hundreds. (Caveat: I really don't have much pay to play experience, so maybe I'm wrong.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Good suggestion. I'll give Grants a shot when I revisit.

      I hope you enjoyed your visit. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  2. I like this, there is a lot here that works in tone and dialogue. A couple small things stood out for me. Strolled didn't seem like the right tone for where she was walking and how she felt about it. Strode maybe? Also, I loved the use of yo at the end of a sentence once, but the 2nd and third time it distracted me. The tension and drama are compelling and I want to know more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Good thought! Strolled does imply less purpose than Sara has. Hmm. And the yos could be spread out some more, I agree.

      I'm glad you enjoyed your visit. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  3. Oh yeah...this scene needs to be...somewhere. It's fantastically gritty and descriptive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I've got it filed away...Maybe a short story...We'll see. I'm happy to have the vote of confidence!

      I hope you enjoyed your stay. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  4. The description is spot on. I raised my eyebrows at razor wire around a playground, to be honest, and I also found the hooker's "voice" challenging to follow. But your imagery is so good. I really like the idea of the incomplete pass at the beginning, although I do think it could be a little more smoothly executed. Hope you find a place for it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It is a scene that's a bit rough around the edges. I'm still not sure where I'm going to take this, if I take it anywhere. Based on comments like yours though, I see the idea has merit, so rest assured this isn't scrapped yet.

      I hope you enjoyed your stay. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  5. I love the dark and dank atmosphere in this piece. I feel there's so much to this story; I'd be interested to read more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm one of those city-dwellers that finds the old parts of the city, like Los Angeles for example, beautiful with the details that they just don't put into building design anymore, but I can't stand to be anywhere near the beating heart, because of things like that diseased uric smell that coats the sidewalks and clings to the bottom of my sneakers, the homeless people unafraid to light up their Mary Jane as they linger around in wait for God knows what, and the gang members harassing the roach coach cook because she's a tiny little thing with innocence still in her eyes and an easy smile...Yes, I find cities dark, and extremely depressing, and oppressive. So I'm glad to see I captured some of that feeling here.

      I'm glad you loved your visit. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  6. Love the descriptions at the beginning and the dialogue at the end. That's some pretty smart 5.0 that knows how to play the game the way the prostitute wants to play. I really enjoyed this. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! When my brother was 10-8 (on duty police officer) I was fortunate enough to hang around his law enforcement friends. Needless to say, they all made quite an impression. Sara reminds me of them and I hope an honorable reflection of them.

      I'm thrilled you found your visit here very enjoyable. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  7. I totally agree with the previous comments. This scene is so clear and compelling, it needs to continue somewhere. I also think the hooker's voice needs to be worked on just a little. I love her reluctance to talk and her caution about talking anyways. Just the words themselves feel just a bit off and I can't quite put my finger on why at the moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I knew someone that talked like her, something I always found surprising considering how literate he was otherwise. I know I've got a lot to work on if this is going to go anywhere, so I love the con-crit!

      I hope you enjoyed your stay! Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete
  8. Love the gritty side, Shel, and the hooker who's got a line she won't cross: a missing kid. This line in particular goes in the "wish I'd written that file:" "The greenbacks in her hand reflected in the blonde’s eyes like a flame."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Again, my experiences with my brother's law enforcement days taught me a great deal about criminals and those who try to maintain law and order. I've discovered that no matter where the individual falls on the legal line, each one has a personal code, something they will not do or will not tolerate others around them doing. There are very few people in the world that don't have this moral line. I'm glad I was able to show that in the prostitute: it means to me that I made her human.

      And I'm overjoyed that I wrote something that you "wish you wrote". Considering more than half of the time, I think that about your writing, it's quite the badge of validation and encouragement!

      I'm glad you love your stay. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!

      Delete